Monday, 2 January 2012

Strange Behaviour

I've been doing something quite strange over the past 6 months or so, writing posts to myself. No, you wont be able to find them, because they're cleverly hidden away in a private blog which only allows me to access them, so future me can read them and go "What a douche". This kinda seems like a completely ridiculous idea, but I've found it's really helped. I guess I've been struggling to get my head round a few things and the problem with my head is that it tends to get stuck sometimes and not let me think things through properly, so having a way of expelling them in a conversational way to myself has really helped. To be honest, that's not that weird at all, people have been doing that for years, it's called writing a journal, but I guess I find it easier to open up a web page and type some thoughts into it, than I do scribbling in a notebook. Mostly due to the fact that my hand writing is horrific.

I've also been dealing with what you could possibly call depression, or maybe just being a miserable twat, but essentially feelings of complete dispair and not knowing what to do in life or why to even bother. This usually has a bit of a crippling effect on me, in that I can't really put my mind to anything and can't talk myself round to feeling ok. It can also mean that I don't particularly want to see or talk to anyone, though sometimes it's more an intense need for company, but not wanting to seek it. I usually find that after going to bed I wake up back to "normal", whatever that is, and can continue on with my life as before, but this doesn't feel like a solution to the problem. I imagine there's some root course to this that I could do with addressing, though I'm relatively good at self analysis, so tend to be able to come up with possible reasons for why I find myself "depressed" or whatever, but I'm never quite sure what to do with any of it. I've not yet bothered to speak to a professional about any of this, but I guess if I were to be diagnosed with some form of depression, then I'd perhaps feel like I wasn't just being an idiot, though it's easy to just slap a name onto something without it really making things any better.

It seems that issues with depression and mental health are not at all uncommon, but the problem is that rarely does anyone do anything about it until it's either too late or things get outta hand. I've seen this in my own family, my friends and just what you hear in the news. Celebrities are often shunned when they display signs of mental illness and then celebrated when they manage to overcome adversity, or in some cases die, in which case they are a tragic story of inner turmoil and strife, so it's no wonder that people don't really want to think about mental health issues. I think it's too easy to wave things away as just being a bit moody and that there are people out there with bigger problems than you, which is probably true, but that's no excuse to not take care of yourself. In some ways, this is a bit of a pep talk for myself, just with the possibility of others listening in, a way of convincing myself that I don't need to just exist how I currently do and that there's a better way of thinking.

Basically, I think 2012 will be the year of getting my shit together, of making sure that I don't just fall into a pit of dispair, of remembering that there's far more to live than the job you do, the place you live and the stuff you own. And hey, if this ends up making me a better, happier person, then awesome, but even if all it does is make things easier to deal with, then I'll consider it a success. And if the mayans are correct and this is our last year, then hopefully it'll have been a good one for me.

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Incidentally, I'm never quite sure how to split things up into paragraphs. It would seem sense to section things up so that a new thought or topic is in a new paragraph, but it all seems to come from one thing for me, so not sure if my paragraph structure make any sense.

1 comment:

The Accidental Tourist said...

Hi - I chanced upon your blog, looking for the word pracrastanist - your 2007 article on it was at the top of Google search results!

Anyways, from that article n now this one, I just wanted to ask you - have you tried using to-do lists, for getting a bunch of things done. Crossing a task once done feels just great, n this simplifies our complicated lives.

All the best for this year!

- Prav